The desperate guide to exam cheating

I have cheated in examinations. There, I said it. But I was a wimp cheater. It was not a moral thing, I just never had the courage to carry a chit or papers into an examination hall. At my best (or worst), I craned my neck to try and copy from an obliging friend. Or whispered a question to the guy in front of me. I wasn't very good at it either; didn't have the style to carry it off and was too intimidated by teachers.

But in my many years at school and college, (one post grad degree and half of another!) I have seen some of the finest exponents of the art at work. And friends in other colleges would relate some of the techniques used by their top operators in hushed whispers. At their best, these were the Cezzanes of chit making and the Picassos of passing notes. And their techniques would take your breath away with their boldness and ingenuity. Cheating is not about technology - it's about craft and ingenuity

And the best have a completely different mindset. Average cheaters cheat to pass, the classiest cheaters I have seen cheat to top their papers! These are some of the most common styles adopted; most are still in operation!

The Morse Coders
Very common in all Public Sector recruitment examinations. The idea is to apply en masse for admit cards - with the designated best student applying first. Normally, he ends up right in front - and is the 'engine' for the entire row. Each row also has other branches, depending on how the seats were allotted. As these are normally multiple choice examinations, the guy just behind whispers a question number, and the 'engine' guy taps out the correct choice with his pen, one tap for 'a', two for 'b'.... This answer is relayed down all the student 'bogies' and the cheating 'train' chugs along. The beauty is that the first guy normally anyway has his post graduate admission already sewn up in some US university and is not worried about getting caught or getting the job. If you ever wonder whether these 'trains' were successful or really happened, I could direct you to a few of my friends in... ok, some other time.

The Calligraphists
These are the guys who painstakingly make miniature masterpieces. It'd very useful if you have a particular theorem or definition which is definitely expected. I knew guys who spent so much time making these that they could have easily prepared in that time. The best I have seen was a class mate who once had all 300 Mechanics problems in chits on his person. His wooden clipboard had an elaborate code which indicated which paper was on which part of his person. All he had to do was see which 5 questions were finally asked, and go to the bathroom and discard the other 295 chits. That toilet was blocked for weeks!

This is now an endangered art in the era of laser printers and five point type - though I am not sure the government would fund its revival

The Free Stylers
These are the very best. Not stuck on one technique. They improvise based on what they have at hand. They manage to con the best student to sit in front of them, or get a wall handy for some notes - or just find a pliable teacher. I have seen one of them have a friend drive a motorcycle into a corridor, creating an infernal din, just to get the teacher out for 5 precious minutes. Another girl, the classiest operator I have seen, was caught using a chit in the very first row. The teacher confiscated the chit and put on his desk right in front of her. She waited her moment, and replaced that chit with another she had on her person and went back to copying - and maxed the paper. She is a fairly senior banker today -I don't wonder, with nerves like that.

The Strongmen
Was very popular in Bihar, UP and large parts of Bengal. Bring your trusted 'katta or 'chaaku' along with your pen and assorted reference material to the exam hall. Normally, a knife embedded in the desk is a strong disincentive for invigilators. The only time the tables almost literally turned was in an examination in North Bihar in the nieties, where the college decided to take matters in hand and hired their own goons. So when the 'students' put their knives on the table, the invigilator came along and pulled out his knife as well. Terrible pass percentages that year!

In the spirit of public service, in these days of Anna and Arvind, I have also compiled the golden rules of exam cheating.

1) A good start is essential. The first 10 minutes are when the teachers are most distracted with distributing papers and getting comfortable. Get in early and finish what ever you need to. The very worst time is towards the end where they start watching you like hawks.

2) Never make eye contact. The first guilty look and the teacher knows exactly what you are planning. He or she will then focus you for the rest of the exam. The real artists get a friend who doesn't plan to teach to keep looking at the invigilator as a red herring!

3) If you get caught; deny everything. Swallow the evidence. They are not going to be able to trawl your alimentary canal to recover that chit.

4) And finally; don't get into the morality trap. Can you help it if your class mates have five extra hours to study everyday instead of spending it in the college canteen like you. Cheating is your start to a life of efficient time management. And in about 50 years, none of this will make a difference.