Blame it on IPL

Finally, the newspapers delivered some good news this morning. In the midst of reports on high turnouts in Uttarakhand elections and how Shirish Kunder's face unfortunately collided with some star's hand - there was news of how a new sporting league was taking the interiors of Bengal by storm - Premier League Soccer.

There could not be better news for anyone associated with the IPL. For the past three years, there is not a single ill in the country that has not been credited to the IPL. And they are all true. We all know for a fact that Anna Hazare decided to fast because of his distress at the amount of money paid by the Royal Challengers to Saurabh Tiwary. And while a few people feel that the decline of Bengal's industrial growth started with the freight equalization policy in the sixties, the majority agree that it is simply the after effect of Sourav not being retained by the Knight Riders.

In fact the slowdown in the financial sector in the middle of last year has been directly related to Mukeshji's concerns about the Mumbai Indians' middle order.

The net result is that working for the IPL has become akin to working for the Nazi party. Or having a particularly nasty and contagious skin disease. And I can't see a traffic jam or an argument without feeling the need to rush in and apologize on the IPL's behalf.

I would still be fine with it - but for the advice. Specially back in Kolkata. In corporate meetings, hotel corridors, elevators, traffic signals, men's loos....you are surrounded by people who obviously know much more about the game than any of the KKR staff. And are dying to tell you all about it.

When I suggest that the head coach, Gautam and Wasim may be in a slightly better position than them to decide, I get this gentle and pitying look, and a sage shake of the head. Wasim Akram may know a thing or two about bowling, but does he know that the Eden pitch turns much more on April weekends, because the reduced traffic emissions let the air remain more humid. That was something Subroto Guha exploited to the hilt in an East Zone match one afternoon in 1975. Or that Gambhir would do well to start Brett Lee from the Judges Court end as since 1956, Australian fast bowlers have got 64% more wickets from that end. And these are the more sane ones, we have been advised everything from cold baths and gemstones to aromatherapy, though that year even I thought our performance stank.

The net result is that most of us are extremely jumpy when accosted by strangers at parties. In five minutes flat we could be pushed into a corner and told why Yusuf Pathan should open the batting. There is no point arguing, so we've all figured out the correct answer. "I completely agree, and so would Gautam and Wasim. But Shahrukh is the man you need to convince. Why don't you tell him yourself." Even if SRK is around, they never get past the cops and the bodyguards, and the rare one that does is so charmed that he inevitably forgets what he wanted to change!

The other bane is the forced trial. Every body seems to think that this T20 business is the simplest thing on earth. All you have to do is go in and take a wild swing - and if it connects - bingo. So guys who look physically unfit to play a carrom game will waddle up to you at parties, and tell you how their big hitting at school was just perfect for IPL. And they actually want to take a shot at a trial and show you what they have got. We have had a few of these walk on's in the nets - and you should see the look on their faces when the first one from a Jaidev Unadkat or a Pradeep Sangwan fizzes past their helmet at a 135 kilometres an hour. There is usually a noticeable dampening in enthusiasm. Not for the faint hearted.

So it was with the greatest of pleasure that I welcomed the latest sporting enterprise in the country - Premier League Soccer. PLS, for the uninitiated is where Bengal has leapfrogged the rest of the nation by creating a soccer league with an auction, former international stars and coaches - and a series of venues around the state. And if Pires will pirouette for Howrah, Crespo will light up Barasat.. And all of Durgapur will learn how Jay-Jay Okocha pronounces his name.

Most importantly, Okocha and Crespo will now learn from millions of knowledgeable well wishers how Sudhir Karmakar's style of trapping with the right foot is the only correct way to do it in the Maidan, and why playing a left winger in Kolkata on a Friday has not been a good idea since the East Bengal Mohun Bagan Shield final in 1975.

And now if Bengal's industrial growth stutters, or the GDP does not grow to plan - it's now all the fault of that Cannavaro - and those boys from Durgapur and Haldia.