From Will Smith's Slap To Kashmir Files Wave, Here's What Twinkle Khanna's New Blog Is About

This blog was originally published on The Times Of India.

9am: Coffee in hand, I sit in the balcony trying to analyse the cognitive dissonance that led to the moment when Will Smith, in the pursuit of his wife¡¯s happiness, clambered onto the stage and slapped Chris Rock for joking about Jada¡¯s appearance.

Spotting my neighbour in the adjacent balcony, I wave at her just as a pigeon defecates on her ponytail. Instead of getting annoyed, she smiles and calls out, ¡®Seems today is my lucky day.¡¯ That is when I have an epiphany. India can alter your perspectives on a subliminal level. It¡¯s not Will Smith¡¯s fault that he thought a slap was an acceptable response, it is India¡¯s.

Like Amit bhai once said, Aap chronology samajhiye.

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A few years ago during his visit, Smith stated, ¡®Travelling to India¡­has awakened a new understanding of myself, my art and the truths of the world.¡¯ At that point, we didn¡¯t ponder over what he had really discovered, but now it seems rather clear.

It must have begun when he went to do his item song in Student of the Year 2 and saw Ananya Panday get a resounding slap from her father in a crucial scene. Apparently, a unit member said that an alarmed Smith also asked why people in India kept threatening each other with, ¡®one-tight-slap¡¯. I believe he was reassured that Indians are used to hearing this, especially from their parents, and it¡¯s a sign of affection.

I also have a feeling that before going to Salman bhai¡¯s dinner he must have looked up his host. It¡¯s unlikely that he would have missed Dabangg¡¯s iconic trailer where Sonakshi tells Chulbul, ¡®Thappad se darr nahi lagta sahib, pyar se lagta hai.¡¯

TOI

All these factors seem to have left Will with a new understanding ¡ª A slap a day keeps the heart humming away.

11am: In a meeting at a producer¡¯s office, I am informed that there is a deluge of fresh movie titles being registered as homage to The Kashmir Files. Since larger cities have already been claimed, now the poor chaps are registering names like Andheri Files, Khar-Danda Files and even South Bombay Files. I am just wondering if my colleagues can still call themselves filmmakers, or with all this filing, they, like the original nationalist, Manoj Kumar, have all turned into clerks.

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3pm: This is the time of the day when I want to slap myself to stay awake. I pour myself yet another coffee and browse through the internet instead. Praying to my 30,000 Gods is just about all the faith I can place in intangible things, so I have never been particularly interested in NFTs and the metaverse; not even in Snoop Dogg¡¯s world with virtual concerts and pool parties. But when I read about the first celebrity who has bought real estate in the metaverse, I am floored. It¡¯s not the Khans, but good old Daler Mehndi and he has named it Balle Balle Land. Now who would not like to go off and try their hand at Tunak Tunak Tun on dull afternoons like these.

8pm: Mother has invited us over for dinner and while she is fussing over her granddaughter, I inform her that I too have registered a title based on the Kashmir Files wave.

¡®I am going to make a movie called Nail File.¡¯

¡®About what? A disastrous manicure,¡¯ she asks

¡®Maybe, but at least it¡¯s better than putting the final nail into the communal coffin,¡¯ I say.

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¡®By the way, I have a theory about this Will Smith slap, you want to hear it?¡¯ she shakes her head and cuts in with, ¡®It¡¯s not right to slap anyone, but I didn¡¯t like Chris Rock¡¯s response where he said something like, ¡®I didn¡¯t realise that Will has such a hair-trigger temper and that is the bald truth.¡¯ How can he say this with that poor Jada suffering from alopecia?¡¯

¡®Mom, that¡¯s fake. It¡¯s like those WhatsApp forwards people send, ¡®Congatulation. Our national anthem has been chosen as best in world by UNESCO. Jai NaMo¡¯. Anyway, I think Jada could go up, take the mike and voice her own grievances. Along with slapping someone for a joke, I also can¡¯t understand this man-protecting-his-wife business. That was a comedian on stage, not a sabre-toothed predator. Human beings have developed complex language skills. We can raise our voices to defend ourselves rather than raising our hands.¡¯

Suddenly noticing that my little one has barely touched her paratha, I warn her, ¡®What do you think you are doing? Finish everything on your plate or you will get one hard one from me.¡¯

¡®Complex language skills indeed!¡¯ Mother smirks.

Ignoring her snide comments, I continue, ¡®Mom, I was thinking of putting this joke up on Instagram, ¡°Will Smith knew stand-up comedians also like slapstick. He didn¡¯t have a stick, so he did the best he could.¡± What do you think?¡¯

¡®After hearing this one, I have lost the will to live. ¡®Will¡¯, you get it?¡¯ she says, chuckling away, while I am left wondering if a penchant for making bad puns is an inheritable trait.

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