Dissecting the Delhi Do; A beginners guide to North Indian parties

A good friend from IIM Calcutta once told me the real difference between Mumbai parties and Delhi parties. For any Delhi party to be successful , it is necessary for at least one of the socialities to walk in with a significant other who is not the spouse. In Mumbai, the only time that raised an eyebrow was when this really well known socialite entered arm in arm with a gorgeous hunk 每 who also happened to be her husband＊s boyfriend.

There are many levels of Delhi parties 每 starting with the Old Monk - paper cup -barsaati varieties to the ones in which the caterers arrive in Audis. I have been in many of the former but don＊t seem to remember them very clearly, which is a sign of a very successful party. I have occasionally been invited for the latter as well, but mostly in the hope that it might translate into me bringing along a few cricketers for their sister＊s sangeet. This variety is likely to run out pretty soon, since they will eventually figure out that I have as much chance of bringing along a cricketer as Kalmadi has of beating Bolt in the 100 metres. Having said that, the average Delhi party has it＊s own set of rules and regulations as confusing as the IT Saral forms that the government so blithely distributes. Here are the most basic rules of engagement

Timing Your Arrival. If you have been called at 8 pm 每 do not land up at 9:30 thinking you have now got the time right. 8 pm is when the security guard is ready, 9:30 is when the servants are ready. If you want to meet the host 每 try not to arrive before 10:45pm. I have overheard good Delhiites calling each at 3 am to find out what they were planning ＆this evening＊.

The Right Spirit. The mandatory wine bottle. At last count, there were 267,318 wine bottles being circulated in the NCR region. Here＊s what happens 每 you bring along a bottle of wine for your host. And it＊s not for drinking. The average (and I＊m not talking to you snobbish intellectuals sniggering back there) Delhiite has as much use for a bottle of wine as he has for a surfboard. It just takes too long to hit, and why bother, when you can get drunk on fake Chivas Regal. These wine bottles are meant to be carried by your current host to the next party 每 and they just keep getting passed around from party to party. Like Zuckerberg＊s mum, you can make a mark on one of them and wait for it to return. This is the modern Indian equivalent of messages in bottles.

The Bathroom Protocol. Get this right. The bathrooms are not meant for what you think they meant to be. Their primary purpose is as a place to do lines of coke. Since this is the one activity that ensures that everyone is still energetic and buzzed enough to go to the Kempinsky for breakfast the next day after dancing all night每 it＊s guarded very carefully. Close this down - and your guests will start collapsing like the current Indian middle order at 2 am in the morning. In the rare event that the coke has found another venue, the loo is normally used for snogging your friend＊s girl or at least gossiping about that horrible dress that that Nahata chick has on, which is threatening to give any minute. And in a pinch, bathrooms can also be used for challenging another set of testosterone crazed North Indians to a brawl after one of them insinuated that your genuine Harley jacket was actually from Lajpat Nagar. If you want to answer nature＊s call 每 search for a bush, or at any rate an open window. And flower vases do excellently in a pinch! Which is why I never trust a flower vase in a Delhi house .. if it＊s not your guests 每 it is the servants.

Sorting The Music. It could start with rock, big band jazz, fusion or even Manganiar singers. At two in the morning 每 it will be Rowdy Rathore or Daler Mehndi. After 11 drinks Gurpreet is not going to try and understand Glen Miller or Miles Davis when Daler and Honey Singh have so much to say. And if that pansy East Indian protesting in the corner has a problem with that 每 let＊s just sort it now 每 or after one more drink.

There is one solution for this. Get rid of that kind of stuff early. I once remember going to a Delhi party with RSJ founder Amit Saigal where we did not even know the host. After 5 drinks Amit finally parked himself next to the music system, picked up a cassette - said it was crap music- and threw it out of the 4th floor window. After about 5 cassettes had been disposed off similarly, we managed to drag him away. No, we weren＊t invited back in a hurry.

The Dinner Dilemma. Do not fall into this trap. Dinner will be served, go cold, be reheated twice more before finally making an appearance at 3 am. Not worth waiting for, unless you are a lab rat for indigestion medicine. Stay happy with the ＆heavy＊ snacks 每 and remember, in most normal parties the help have been surreptitiously digging in since 11 pm without really bothering with the crockery. Avoid!

The Morning After. When in doubt apologize, when in danger deny! And hope that the rest are as fuzzy headed as you.