Boys & Dolls: Why Gender-Neutral Parenting Is Now Popular in India

When Tota Roy Chaudhary and Ranveer Singh move their bodies to the rhythm of the iconic song ※Dola re dola§ in Karan Johar＊s Rocky Aur Rani Ki Prem Kahani 〞 masculinity redefines its parameters with every step. It shows how dance moves are not limited to any specific gender, rather art is gender-neutral, neither feminine nor masculine.

But there＊s a reason that moment is so transgressive: The background within which it operates is that boys are bullied for demonstrating supposedly effeminate behaviours, while girls are criticised for exhibiting attributes that are generally perceived to be masculine. Remember the ridicule that Rocky＊s family heaps on Tota Roy Chaudhary? It＊s bad enough when adults have to deal with it 每 but experiencing this bullying and harsh criticism as a child impacts the mental health of many growing children. Codified gender norms, meanwhile, continue to be extremely rigid and suffocating.

Gender-neutral parenting is an approach that challenges these traditional norms, aiming to provide children with an environment that embraces equality and gender diversity, and eventually, prevents gender-based violence. In India, an increasing number of parents are opting for gender-neutral parenting, allowing their kids to choose who they want to be without enforcing traditional roles defined by society. By rejecting gender stereotypes, these parents aim to empower their children to embrace their individuality and authenticity.

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※We let Zoe play with dolls and action-hero figures. We try to balance everything by providing her with an equivalent so that she can decide what she wants to play with,§ said Prerna Chhabra from Gurugram. While providing your child with a choice of toys is easier, it is tougher to model such behaviours. Chhabra＊s five-year-old daughter observes that both parents work professionally, and also share household chores. For young Zoe, there are no gender-specific tasks that only her mother or father perform.

The gender-neutral parenting approach goes far beyond the choice of objects and reading material for the child. In a paper titled The Effects of Gendered Parenting on Child Development Outcomes: A Systematic Review, researcher Alina Morawska states that parents respond differently to children depending on their gender. They use different voices, vocabulary, and social strategies when playing with boys and girls. And this goes a long way in structuring their attitudes to gender roles during adolescence and in life thereafter. Gender-neutral parenting also makes it easier for gender-fluid (or gender-creative) children to decide if they don＊t fit into the widely accepted binary norms of being a male or a female.

Smashing The Patriarchy

This is a bold choice in an era where gender is at the centre of several controversies that play out in often violent forms. Especially in intensely patriarchal cultures like India 每 where the price that young boys and girls pay for diverging from the norm is heavy 每 raising a child without gender is a subversive act. We are surrounded by subliminal and obvious cues that force mothers and fathers to behave in gender-conformist ways, which are in turn picked up by children.

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Toni Martinez of the University of California, in her thesis ※Gender Neutral Parenting: Raising a Generation Outside the Gender Binary§ explains that allotting gender to a person is almost like a reflex (a default characteristic of any culture) creating the perception that gender is innate to human nature and that nature governs the classification of gender. While the rules of gender are not ※natural§ and are interpreted with slight differences across cultures, gender-neutral parenting is an attempt to reinterpret gender.

Sanjeebani from Bangalore, is attempting to offer her five-year-old son Reyansh, a life without a gendered prism. She told me that Reyansh is very attached to his cooking set. ※He even offers delicious dishes to every guest who visits our house. He wants to become a chef. For us, cooking is something that everyone does, and we have never discouraged him from wanting to lead the life he will eventually choose.§

Sanjeebani does not have to make conscious choices for treating her child in a gender-neutral way 每 it comes organically to her. Her own upbringing was similar, where her parents raised her to be an independent free-thinker. Sanjeebani tries to stay out of influencing Reyansh＊s choices in day-to-day activities, by not making any decisions on his behalf. She lets him decide what clothes to wear, what toys to play with, and what stories he wants to listen to, similar to what her parents did when she was growing up.

She was helped along in her journey by some books, and recommends reading How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and The Danish Way of Parenting by Jessica Joel Alexander. In addition, Sanjeebani makes deliberate efforts to maintain open communication and a transparent relationship with her son.

Toward A Gender-Equal Universe

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However, choosing to opt for gender-neutral parenting can come at a cost, and can leave parents with the unfortunate task of picking up the pieces of the mess created by society. When six-year-old Aditya, raised in a gender-neutral environment, proudly wore a pink hat to his friend＊s birthday party, he was ridiculed for his appearance and teased mercilessly by the other kids.

His mother, Pragati Ojha 每 who works as a marketing head in a B2B company in Bangalore 每 was determined to support him. She had a detailed conversation with him about the different opinions that shape this world. She also reached out to the parents of these kids separately, encouraging them to have a conversation with their children as well. ※It is important to talk with your child, with school authorities, and with other parents,§ she told me. ※They are the representatives of the world that exists outside your home. Take as many actions as possible.§

Aditya＊s experience lines up perfectly with the findings of a 2012 research paper titled Playgrounds and Prejudice: Elementary School Climate in the United States by GLSEN. The paper noted that children who do not conform to traditional gender norms often get bullied in schools. Teachers are reluctant to answer questions on gender and hence, children begin to misinterpret information received from other kids. Even if the school environment does not necessarily promote such behaviour, more must be done to establish a safe and protective environment for every kid.

In her book Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes, author Christia Spears Brown writes about ways to stay away from a ※culture obsessed with fitting everyone into a pink or blue box§. She encourages parents to think twice before they believe that any difference that exists between their son and daughter is only because of gender.

For Indian parents, though, criticism is not always societal or cultural 每 it is often within the family. The opinions of grandparents and relatives are often a cause of anxiety and can disrupt the family dynamic. The role that familial support plays cannot be overstated.

Is Gender-Neutral Parenting For Everyone?

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There is a counterargument to the gender-neutral approach. In an article published by BBC, English psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer explained a scenario where a child may not react positively to a gender-neutral environment and develop an identity conflict. In this case, rather than rejecting gender norms, the child can stick more strongly to gender stereotypes, to have some order and certainty in life.

But this confusion is a part and parcel of parenting. Despite difficulties, anxieties, and confusion, it is a major step toward gender inclusivity. ※The child will grow up accepting of other genders and respect all human beings,§ said Indrani Roy, a psychological counsellor and educator from Kolkata. Roy cites the example of a child brought up by a single parent: ※If one of the parents acts as a role model for the child (mother or father), the child observes him/her performing every task that is required to run the household, therefore, the boundary between society-defined-gender-roles diminishes in his/her mind.§

In a world full of biases where heteronormativity is rooted in our collective psyche, it is difficult to visualise a future where gender-neutral parenting becomes the norm. There are many many hurdles, but leading an authentic life is never easy. Today, the concept might be limited to urban, educated parents, but who knows 每 maybe we will all lead a more gender-diverse life in the future.