How to befriend the rich and famous

Social climbing is an art. It's not enough to know the rich and famous. They have to know you back too. Most of us fumble when we need to impress someone.
But media personality Suhel Seth is not one to fall short of words in the company of the hotshots. The columnist and marketing man has written a book titled Get to the Top, the ten rules for social success. He helps us get to the bottom of networking.

Which are the haunts where I can run into the rich and famous? How do I get invited for that important event or party?
The rich and famous are almost always found at restaurant openings; fashion weeks; important summits (so that they can establish their intellectual prowess); literature festivals and, depending on which part of the country you are in, at religious discourses. Now, as for the invitation: remember the key to getting invited in case you don't know the rich and the famous is to know their PR consultants or for that matter the PR consultants to the restaurants/hotels and, if all else fails, get to know some powerful journalists: they will almost always provide you seamless access.

What can I bring to a party? How do I decide a gift for someone who has everything?
I always gift books to people with a personalised inscription. Almost everyone loves a book or at least they pretend to love one. It also shows that you think of them as intellectuals rather than some people in Dior Straits or hungry for Louis Leather. And by the way, why give the rich and famous something they already have? I have known them to circulate expensive gifts but even the daftest amongst them will not circulate a book that you have inscribed unless, of course, you work in a tobacco company.
Is how I dress really important?
Sartorial elegance is critical. It allows you to integrate and besides, if you dress like your chauffeur (though some chauffeurs are better dressed than most guests at some parties), the trick is to wear something that is neither revealing nor too poor looking. You don't want to be in the buff because that may scare the host and she might believe you are a threat to her loyal and faithful husband. So dress sensibly. Women always look perfect in a dress or a saree and men in suits though please don't wear a beige suit to an evening dinner!
What are the best icebreakers when I meet someone who is a 'somebody'?
"I have read and heard a lot about you but I am sure there's more to you than what I know. So tell me." Every rich and famous person (or for that matter the poorest but then you never ask the poor for their details) wants to exult about themselves. So play to the gallery and watch them get all excited. This is India. We love our own voice even when we are observing a 'maun vrat' if you know what I mean!

How do I introduce myself? How do I impress them in the first conversation?
For starters, tell them your name without stuttering: and tell them your full name. Don't say just Katrina because the next day the person will believe you are a Katrina wannabe. As for impressing them, start with a brief anecdote and not a goddamn lecture. People, in times of text messages and Twitter, want brief anecdotes and not essays as if they were penned by Bernard Shaw.

How do I give a compliment to an empowered woman without offending her?
No woman gets offended by a compliment. And the best way to flatter them is to say, you look so elegant. Elegance is such a broad-based word that it will flatter the cow even if she is one. So go ahead and talk about how elegant their thinking is or for that matter their whole persona. Use words that no one uses. Don't be stupid by commenting on their weight or their clothes.
I meet an expert on something I am interested in. Can I bring up the topic without sounding ignorant or stupid?
On the contrary, when you meet an expert tell them how naive you are and not ashamed to admit it. This will prove you are honest, confident and willing to learn. No point discussing software code with Azim Premji or, for that matter, talking about statues with Mayawati. And refer to my earlier comment: they all like talking: actually WE all love talking. So if you are kind to give them/us that opportunity, people will remember you.

I meet someone who has information I need. How do I barter information with them?
If you are working for the government, threaten them with a stint in Tihar. If you are normal, then tell them you have this vital piece of information but never seek a barter: their guilt will make them give you some information but then again, use it at your own peril.

What do I do when I'm bored? How can I make a gracious exit?
Even if you are bored, never look bored. Look animated; if you have to leave (and assuming it is not a sitdown dinner) then leave quietly without telling anyone and the next day send the host a handwritten note saying you were feeling queasy owing to jetlag (or else they will believe their food did it to you) and say that you didn't want to spoil their evening given how concerned and compassionate they are.

Why will an important person remember me?
Only if you are bright, conversational and, hopefully, presentable. When was the last time you remembered someone as dull as ditchwater or, for that matter, someone who spent an entire evening bbming his ex-wife? So the trick is prepare for an evening well. And I have always believed the one way to do this is to be interested in everything and keep up with your reading. It would also help if you watched the news instead of gorging on Bigg Boss.
When and how frequently should I follow up with someone after I've met them?
A thank you note on the day after: handwritten. And then a think-ofyou note a fortnight later. And if the person still doesn't respond, then you can faithfully assume you have been as dull as ditchwater or perhaps as clever as Govinda.
Once I get to know someone important, how can I get into a deeper relationship with them?
It depends on what the relationship is for. If it is to use them, then you'd be silly to call it a relationship in the first place. Relationships are like trees: the roots need to be deep, tested and solid and only then will they grow. Don't put finite timelines to relationships: it is the wrong approach to have qua life.
Should I make friends with the spouse and family?
I have always befriended in a genuine way, the spouse and not just the host, be it man or woman. Let me illustrate: I am extremely fond of Mukesh and Nita Ambani: both are gentle and compassionate and tolerate all my idiosyncrasies and my respect for them is for them as individuals. Much as I admire the way Mukesh thinks of scale and size, I adore the gentleness that Nita brings to the table when it comes to either caring for the kids at her school or for that matter the dinners she hosts. In quite another way, while I adore the wit of my friend Dilip De, I love Shobhaa for her candour and her disarming honesty.
I read gossip or news about a celebrity who is now a friend. What do I do when I meet them?
Do not be a gossip. Simple. There is no sub-rule to this.
How can I ask an influential person for a favour?
I never would and thus would urge you never to. It is not worth it.
Can I disagree with someone without offending them?
Yes, provided you don't beat them to pulp or run their dog over. Disagree but armed with facts. Disagree with charm and not with boorishness. People love contrarian opinions articulated gently. Not thrust down their throats.
Last but not least, how do I not appear a schmooze?
If you don't want to schmooze you won't appear one. Schmoozers can be spotted easier than traffic policemen on Mumbai's roads. So if you are a schmoozer and have this painted plastic smug look on your face, then go on and apply for modeling to some silly Fashion Week. Mumbai Mirror