Comedian Sorabh Pant Blogs For The Freedom To Love And Hate Bollywood

It¡¯s Independence Day and I must say that I love India. It¡¯s my favourite country in the whole subcontinent. OK, in Asia. Fine, I¡¯ll just admit it¡¯s one of my favourite countries in the world¡­ from the subcontinent. I¡¯m just kidding: I love India. As a concept.

Silliness aside; many years ago, we got our independence from the Brits. We had our vengeance though, in the form of the Punjabis. Seriously, Punjabis will take over their country and turn it into the Oye-nited Kingdom but, that¡¯s neither here nor there.

We¡¯re an independent people. As long as the government allows it. We¡¯re in dependence of the people in power. So, you can do whatever you want, whoever you want and however you want ¨C unless they want you not to. I believe some may also call this a Monarchy. You know ¨C like the British. Or, the Gandhi family. Or, Joffrey. But, that¡¯s neither here nor there.

In a year where our civil liberties are being denied regularly, I¡¯d like to take this opportunity to talk about something completely frivolous: Bollywood. Yes! I¡¯ll leave the espousing of real things to people with a bigger brain. I seek independence from Bollywood. To quote Nehru: not wholly or in full measure, but, without Sajid Khan. But, t. n. h. n. there.

As a comedian, I often get asked, ¡®Bhai, when you are doing Bollywood film?¡¯ It¡¯s like asking a dentist, ¡®Bro, when are you piloting a plane?¡¯ Or, asking Spongebob Squarepants, ¡®Bhai, when are you becoming a real boy?¡¯ Or, asking a dog, ¡®Bhai, when are you turning into a HP Laser Printer?¡¯

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I have nothing against Bollywood. I¡¯m fascinated by some of it. Like the hard working Akshay Kumar ¨C who makes 938 films in a year, out of which one will be genuinely good. He¡¯s like Aamir Khan without the pretention. Or, my continuing man-crush on Hrithik Roshan that has my wife worried. Or, Kangna Ranaut ¨C my crush on whom has Hrithik Roshan worried.

Bollywood is an industry of great looking people with gym memberships. The recent trend of a lot of them also being talented is a happy bonus. Still, you can¡¯t get into Bollywood unless you have a Gold¡¯s Gym membership, or the right surname. Either you have to work out, or your mom and dad should have worked out on each other.

What I can¡¯t understand is our unhealthy obsession with it, exhibited by some of the unnecessary headlines about our stars. Please note: these are all real.

¡®Abhishek Bachchan allergic to tomatoes¡¯. In case you were planning to call AB and Ash over for teatime Pav Bhaji.

¡®Sonakshi Sinha seen holding a cake¡¯. In case you wake up at night screaming that existential question, ¡®IS SONAKSHI DIABETIC?¡¯

¡®Sonam Kapoor has a fear of elevators¡¯. In case you¡¯re an Otis repairman and want to know how to scare Aisha.

Can we please get freedom from such stupidity?

And, don¡¯t even get me started on this new habit of photographing celebrities arriving for parties in their cars. The only celebrity whose photo I want to see in a car is Salman. And, that¡¯s because I want to see if he was in the back seat.

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It doesn¡¯t stop there - we also love these photos of celebrities at the airport. Always accompanied with a pun.

¡®Oh my God, Anushka wore track pants - she¡¯s putting run in run way.¡¯

¡®Oh Em Gee, Aamir Khan wore a shirt to the airport - Shirt Me Jayate.¡¯

¡®Oh Em Wow, Kulbhushan Kharbanda with a scarf on his head. I guess he¡¯s a Kulbushan Khar-bandana.¡¯

Of course, the absolute worst is when comedians ride on the back of Bollywood to make fun of Bollywood like they did with The Ghanta Awards (OK, fine you thought it was The AIB Roast but, this is my column not Ashish Shakya¡¯s!).

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Occasionally, we also look at Bollywood for its movies but, that¡¯s only when we¡¯re out of gossip. And, frankly as a comedian: it¡¯s getting harder to make fun of Bollywood. Partly because Bollywood has gotten better than it ever was: with films like NH10, Badlapur, Dum Laga Ke Haisha or Masaan. Though, there are those that give us hope like ABCD2 (more like EFGH i.e. Everybody F***ing Go Home), Mr. X (where Emraan Hashmi plays a misguided invisible vigilante, much like a Malwani cop) or I Love NY (in which Kangna Ranaut is in love with Sunny Deol, a relationship so improbable even her acting prowess could not pull it off!).

Bollywood seems to have finally aligned itself to appeal to cash registers and class. I wish Bollywood would teach that to Indian TV, which is like a Sulabh Shauchalaya of creativity. Whether it¡¯s bad fiction (Newshour), reality shows with deranged contestants (Lok Sabha), terribly scripted comedy (C.I.D.) and of course, an endless barrage of dance contests. Does India really need that many dancers? Are we raising a secret army of dancers to protect our borders? Will they bhangra Bangladesh or polka Pakistan or Cha-Cha China? Because, honestly I can¡¯t see the demand for such an inordinate supply of people with supple limbs.

Forget getting independence from Bollywood, we need independence from the idiot box. Taarak Mehta needs to remove his chashma and wear some contact lenses. I think it¡¯s about time Indian TV got some new vision.

Note: The views expressed in the article are writer's own.