The Gurgaon Survival Guide: Part 1

The guide in which we figure out how to survive the Millennium City, and try and understand why ¡®Gun gaon¡¯ is probably a better name.

Legend has it that the name Gurgaon originates from ¡®Guru Gaon¡¯, the land presented by Bheeshma to Dronacharya for teaching the Kuru boys the art of war. Legend also has it that it was the last time any North Indian deigned to learn anything from an outsider.

Let¡¯s face it. There isn¡¯t a city like this on the face of this, and any other planets you might know. Thousands of plush corporate offices cheek by jowl with rustic slums. Bright young MBA¡¯s in their Volkswagen¡¯s jostling for space with rustic farmers on tractors whose bumper stickers could easily read ¡®My Other Car Is A Bentley¡¯.

In the middle of some of the most expensive real estate in the world, there is an old man who sits on a charpoy and smokes his hookah all day. He does not have a bank account, but has this little tract of 3 acres which he¡¯s decided to sell the moment the price reaches Rs. 130 crores. Every day, there is this line of brokers who try and wear him down. He smiles his toothless smile, puffs at his hookah and tells them to return when they can give him 130. Every evening, he gets on to his battered cycle, and makes a 30 minute journey back home. The offers are in 11 figures already, so that cycle could soon see it¡¯s last days!

You probably may not have to deal with him; but here are a few things that would be good to know if you are ever in this neck of the woods.
The cabs;

Gurgaon cab drivers are surly and shiftless and always overcharge. But that¡¯s not really different from any other large Indian city. What you really have to watch out for here is the SDS. The SDS is the dreaded ¡®Summer Driver Smell¡¯.

You might be working in air conditioned comfort. But your friendly neighborhood cab driver has been sweltering in the summer sun. Add to this a diet rich in milk and ghee and infrequent bathing habits and you have a cocktail from hell. Outsiders have nearly passed out on entering their cabs.

One of the reasons attributed to Gurgaon¡¯s economic boom is that business visitors are unable to think straight after 45 minutes of cabbie body odour, and agree to almost everything you say.

There is a winter version of this which smells of unwashed bodies and socks that have never seen water or daylight.

Solution: Always carry some deodorant handy. In case of emergency, keep the windows down and brave the elements. Trust me, it¡¯s easier that way

The restaurants;

Arms and ammunition not allowed. I have seen at least five of my outstation friends doing a double take on seeing this notice, even at the most expensive malls and restaurants. The truth is, move over Tombstone and Dodge City ¨C Gurgaon is the only remaining wild west around.

If the local goon¡¯s politician dad has not given him a car with a red light on top and a couple of armed bodyguards - he would have at least presented him a Mauser or Walther. How else is he going to frighten the daylights out of the budding brand manager from Durgapur at the next table? Please do not worry about this. These goons are completely peaceful unless you insult them, or talk to them¡­ or look at them¡­. On second thoughts¡­ stick to Subway.

Actually, the most interesting thing about the restaurants here is the roti factor. Chinese, Italian, Korean or Lebanese, it does not really matter. You can go to any international restaurant and ask (preferably in a loud voice) for roti, dal and kebab. You will be served; here¡¯s the logic ¨C all those goons that I spoke about in the last paragraph land up dead drunk at these restaurant in the early hours of the morning and demand roti and dal. And if they are refused, the heavy artillery comes out. So even that prince of pasta makers in that exclusive Italian joint will have an Indian assistant - and some dal¡­. and roti. Just in case..

Solution; Eno, lot¡¯s of it ¨C and , if possible, stay on a liquid diet.
The Phones;

In other cities, you wake up to the sound of birds. We rise to the dulcet tones of our milkman¡¯s cell phone. Here¡¯s the rule. In Gurgaon, if you have a single phone, you are servant class, or challenged, like me. Two phones get you to the base category; three is reserved for real estate agents; one to make calls, two to avoid them. Heroin dealers and politicians generally carry four.

Solution. If you have just one, pretend that you just lost your other phone ten minutes back; and tell them that you plan to rush to the nearest store to pick up the latest iPhone. Don't worry about not having a second number to give them; they will quite understand that you share that number with just a chosen few.
Next week, countering the cops, risking the rickshaws ¨C and managing the malls.