The bond between a mother and a child is not only unique but is pretty much the most important one. The relationship between a child and their mother begins when the child is in the womb. The food the mother eats, the environment, and the interactions all help with the development of the child while also building their relationship, physically and emotionally.?
So, naturally, the absence or bad experiences with the mother can affect the development of a child. The outcome can be carried on as the child turns into an adult and this can also be carried on to the next generation. This is also called a mother's wound.?
Mother's wound is a psychological term that is used to describe a person who had a negative experience or was unaware of the mother's presence in their formative years.?This can include experiences such as neglect, abuse, criticism, abandonment or emotional unavailability from their mothers.
While a mother's wound can be experienced by both sons and daughters, it is mostly the daughters who suffer more from it. A lot of it has to do with the patriarchal society where women are seen as second-class citizens. They are meant to work and prioritise everything above themselves. This gets passed on to the next generation as well. Daughters who have grown up seeing their mothers internalising these negative messages also grow up similarly where they tend to get oppressed by societal norms, barring exceptions.?
They see their mothers showing dysfunctional coping mechanisms which include sacrificing their needs and denying their authentic selves to mould according to the people around them.?
Seeing the mother's dysfunctional behaviour whether it is being treated as an oppressed member of society or treating the child in a harsh manner can leave the person with a lot of trauma and a lot of negative impacts even as an adult. These negative feelings can lead to:
When the mother is absent or does not prioritise the child in their formative years, it can build up to a child feeling that they are not good enough. It can make them feel like they are not worthy and that can carry on as an adult as well. A Reddit user named gagirlpnw says, "I think she used me as a punching bag for the bullying she endured as a child. I've worked hard to not do that to my kids."?
As per research by the National Library of Medicine titled "Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships", it was noted that people with mother's wounds feel insecure in romantic relationships and also have trust issues with their partners. Reddit user fondufondue added that "she didn't learn how to open up and trust people, really. I often hide my true self because it¡¯s wired in me that being rejected is the default."
A mother actively present in a child's life helps them navigate their emotions. They are also the first feminine role model for the child so a mother is a person who teaches most of the habits. By neglecting all this, a child as an adult shoves their feelings or could not navigate their own feelings. They also don't understand a lot of feminine aspects until very late. A Reddit user karupiin said, "I grew up with a single mother who was never home and never cared what I did, so I had to learn pretty much everything on my own or from people at school. I¡¯m really bad with manners, and routines, talking about my feelings/health and seeking help for it, and I have difficulty connecting with others and expressing that I care about people. I¡¯ve been working on all of these things but they are very difficult to learn in adulthood."
Understanding your emotions and knowing that you have a certain kind of behaviour due to your mother's wound is a great start to healing. There are certain ways by which you can break the cycle and heal from the trauma:
Being a mother is not an easy task. Nobody has a guidebook to how to actually become the best mother. Everyone is just learning from their mistakes all while taking care of their own problems. So, even though your mother may not have done the best job but understanding she too has her own unresolved traumas can help you get over resentment and learn better.?
As a child, if you see your mother always sacrificing her needs and wants, subconsciously you inculcate this. There may also be many instances where the mother may have compared you or criticised you but that does not have to be passed on. Pamper yourself and learn to love yourself the way you are without any comparison.?
Different behaviours can end up making you a people pleaser since taking account of yourself and your health is not something you have learnt since childhood. But identifying what makes you uncomfortable and communicating your boundaries as difficult it may seem is a step to healing from what you learnt as a child.?
Mother's wound passes on from generation to generation if the cycle is not broken by any of the recipients. So, if you are someone who understands the outcome, list the negative aspects. Then make sure to not repeat the same mistakes with your offspring so that the trauma is not passed on.?
If the trauma and wounds are too deep then there is always therapy that one seeks to take care of the underlying problems. A professional would know how to take care of the problem while giving better solutions for the same.?
Healing is a journey, it may take time but it surely will show results.?