Losing your cool once in a while is normal. Human, even. That's a whole lot different from leaving someone emotionally injured. It's a whole lot different from physical abuse, too. The scars and bruises are noticeable. But with verbal abuse, the scabs are on the inside. Verbal abuse is a means by which the abuser gains control over their partner, and even derives pleasure from those moments when they put their partner down. A victim of verbal abuse may think their relationship is good, but that's hardly the case. If anything, it comes in the way of a real relationship.
The abuser, meanwhile, refuses to see verbal abuse for what it is and refuses acknowledge the damage he or she is doing. The signs can be subtle and, at times, obvious. Identifying the different types of verbal abuse can be tricky, but this list from experts can help.
Use this list to recognise the signs. Even if you check one off, it's time to leave the sinking ship that is your relationship.
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Here, the abuser hijacks the conversation and decides topics that are good to discuss. Anything else is blocked off. Abusers manipulate and trick the victim into thinking they're speaking out of turn, thereby, inducing guilt. Statements like, 'I thought you cared for me,' and 'I thought you loved me,' force the victim to second-guess their thoughts and actions. They are guilted into accepting their 'mistake' when it wasn't their fault to begin with.
Abusers intimidate the victim and make them feel like a lesser human being. 'So you did this, that's not big deal. So many do it, and better.' With statements like this one, the abuser tries to make your work, you life choices, even something as simple as your taste in books seem less relevant, less important and insignificant. The abuser may even belittle the victim in public, leaving his or her in no position to defend themself.
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This one is an obvious one. Constant fault-finding and criticizing sucks out all the positivity and replaces it with negativity. The abuser sits with a magnifying glass and tries to spot as many faults in everything you do. According to Psychology Today, 'most ¡®you¡¯ statements are judgmental, critical, and abusive.'
Here the abuser conveniently shifts blame for things that are beyond the victim's control with statements like 'it's not my fault you couldn't do this,' 'why are you trying to pick a fight,' and 'you know you're ruining this.' Gaslighting (a term borrowed from a play with the same name) forces the victim into believing things that aren't true. This greatly damages a victim's confidence and belief in self. According to some studies, this tactic works to make the victim more dependent on the abuser who relishes the sense of power that comes with it.
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'You're dumb,' 'you're stupid,' 'you're fat,' 'you're ugly,' 'stop being so silly,' 'bitch,' 'whore,' are all statements that an abuser may use to make the victim feel like a nobody. These attacks to a victim's character are used to make a victim feel they're unimportant and weak. This, too, fractures a victim's sense of self and can take years of therapy to bring things back to normal.
After upsetting the victim, the abuser conveniently rounds up the statement with 'it was a joke,' when in actual fact the hurt was intended. Even with such put-downs and hurtful statements pretending to be jokes, deny the victim their sense of being.
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'I never said that,' 'you're lying.' Don't ever buy in to the fact that a statement that impaled you could be so easily forgotten by the person who said it. Secondly, why didn't they bother making an effort to remember it and resolve it? This is abuse, plain and simple.
If you've experienced any of these, it's time to quit the so-called relationship you're in and seek help. There's never a price tag on peace of mind, and being on your own is any day better than in a farce of a relationship that's eating away at your emotional and mental health daily. Consult an expert and find out if you need counselling or therapy, and get the help you deserve.