Humour: Jokes about smoking

Blowing A Camel

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drug store."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drug store and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

True Story

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go"

"This one's empty... no-one's looking... you go in first"

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down"

"Have you got the condom? Quick, put it on"

"Sniff sniff"

"Ah perfume! You think of everything"

"This is great..." (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice.

"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations! Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!"

Who Came First

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

12 Inch Bic

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.

"I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"

Shortcomings

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She--getting tired of his nagging--said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"