World Mental Health Day: All You Need To Know About Emotional Abuse And How To Avoid Normalising

“This is normal in any close relationship, don’t overthink or overreact.”?

“Deal with it.”?

“It’s all in your head.”

“It’s no big deal.”

All too often, this is the kind of ‘advice’ given to anyone facing non-physical interpersonalabuse---more commonly referred to as emotional abuse. Unknowingly, it not only justifies,but also normalizes, the harmful behaviour and, in turn, creates a self-perpetuating cycle ofabuse. As a result, at some point or the other, you and I have been guilty of both---acceptingand giving this type of advice. The reason: We didn’t know better.

But now we do.?

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There are studies and data that have underscored, reiterated, and reinforced the emotionalabuse epidemic plaguing society. A Delhi-based study published in 2022 in the NationalLibrary of Medicine revealed as much as 19.8% of had ‘ever’ faced psychological abuse bytheir husbands. Additionally, the National Commission for Women listed emotional abuse asthe top crime against women in domestic abuse cases in 2022.

However, although emotional abuse is usually referred to in the context of marriages andromantic relationships, anyone in an intimate relationship is capable of abusing, or beingabused. Take the workplace, for instance. A 2022 survey by the International LabourOrganization reported that 17.9 per cent, or 583 million people, experiencing psychologicalviolence and harassment at work, through behaviours such as micromanagement,unreasonable demands, or creating an environment of fear, among others.

These are just a few of the many data points available, but enough to underscore thegrowing, urgent need to create awareness about emotional abuse. After all, how does onefight something they don’t understand??

So, it becomes critical to define what emotional abuse is so that we can recognize it. Insimple terms, then, emotional abuse is characterized by consistent attempts to control,frighten, isolate, or diminish the self-worth of an individual through words or actions. It canlead to feelings of incredible self-doubt, inadequacy and ebbing self-confidence, or a deep-seated need to please others, even at the cost of it making the victim uncomfortable.

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In other words, the impact of emotional abuse can be as damaging as physical abuse – thefact that this is an invisible harm makes it even more dangerous. But, as I mentioned earlier,we do have more information at our disposal, and it is important we use it to prevent orbattle this malaise. In that context, learning how to identify emotional abuse is paramount.Let’s look at some examples of ways in which it can be inflicted.

Aggressing, or through attacking words. “You don't know anything, shut up! I knowbest, stop doing this.”

Minimizing, in order to diminish the victim’s emotions. “Don't blow things out ofproportion, stop being dramatic, you’re over sensitive.”?

Gaslighting, a word we often hear nowadays, and which means denial of hurtful,deceitful, questionable and insensitive actions of the past and present.?“I don’t knowwhat you’re talking about, I never said that.”

Of course, these are just some of the many patterns to watch out for. Also, remember, wecan’t always categorize this behaviour. However, the effects of an emotionally abusiverelationship will be more difficult to ignore. They are as powerful as losing one’s sense ofself leading or a complete surrender of independence or a feeling of being trapped andsuffocated.?

The challenge, therefore, is three-fold: First, recognizing the behaviour as emotionallyabuse; next, acknowledging that it is happening to you; and, finally, reinforcing the beliefthat you don’t deserve this hurt and harm.

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The last is the most difficult. Deeply-ingrained stigmas and societal norms of overlooking,glossing over, or even hiding it are tough to shed overnight. For instance, the legal systemhas provisions to punish any emotional harm caused to a married woman by her husband orin-laws. Unfortunately, these cases often go unreported and undetected. Similarly, there arevoices that would like to incorporate mental harm as part of workplace harassment.?

There is no doubt: The damage caused by the destruction of a human being’s self-worth, bysomeone close to them, is a crime. Depression, breakdown of relationships, anxiety, or evencodependency between the perpetrator and the victim---the outcomes can be seriouslydetrimental to mental health.?

However, while the perpetrator’s conduct is not in our control, what is in our control is ourresponse to it. It boils to down, as I said right at the start, taking on the tough ask ofbreaking the cycle of abuse.

Remember, self-love—that modern mantra---doesn’t begin at a spa and end on a beach. Itstarts with learning to prioritize and love ourselves enough to replace “It’s no big deal with“This is not okay.” It involves setting boundaries, even if that feels uncomfortable initially.Furthermore, helping yourself also means having a safe space to retreat to – this can includeleaning on a network of close friends or a therapist. Finally, and most importantly, it meansthe victim has to be kind to themselves. They have to remind themselves that the abuse isnot their fault. And if they get forget, as well-wishers and onlookers, we need toemphatically let them know: “You are not to blame.”

About the author: Neerja Birla is the Founder and Chairperson of Aditya Birla Education Trust. All views/opinions expressed in the article are of the author.?