500 Crore - Rowdy Rab Dilwale Idiots Le Jayenge but where¡¯s Dabangg?

Ek Tha Tiger recently passed the 200 crore mark at the box office, and everything indicates that it will roar past 300 soon. And that will take it close to 3 Idiots, the only Bollywood film that made more money. In fact, some people even expect it to become the highest grossing movie of all time.

As we celebrate our richest movie stars getting richer, I feel my inner greed awakening. I feel that there must be a formula out there somewhere, some hidden secret that will let me create the first Indian movie to gross 500 crore. And today, I share with you the results of my extensive research on the highest grossing films up till now. My cash cow will have the best features of each of them, and everyone knows the sum is greater than the parts. Here they are:

1. Comb Ne Bana Di Jodi: How to be the perfect jasoos, YRF style. Shave your ¡¯stache, take off your glasses, wear some Ed Hardy, and voila! Even your wife won¡¯t recognise you anymore. Such an innovative plotline has to find its place in my 500-crore mammoth, but in an all-new avatar. My hero will not go as far as SRK, of course. Combing his hair will be enough for his amazingly beautiful love interest to not recognize him anymore.

2. Dilwale Antariksh Le Jayenge: Travel across Europe with hot girl, not make a move on her because you know a ¡°Hindustani ladki ki izzat¡± and then track her down in Punjab, which of course, is a small village in its entirety (along the way, you can also make fun of British people in Hindi and sing songs in Switzerland).

In my movie, though, the hero won¡¯t just travel across continents (that¡¯s SO last decade!). Intergalactic space travel powers that have been introduced by Ra.One shall be put to good use. Also, song sequence on the rings of Saturn around cardboard trees.

3. Back with a-Bangg!: I won¡¯t even bother talking about the plot of Dabangg, since everybody and their grandfathers seem to have watched it. The songs, however, are another story, and motivation to budding music directors and parody-makers. I mean, ¡°Samsung badnaam hua, Apple tere liye¡±? Now that¡¯s just inspired. My movie will have better music though (yes, it is possible!). It will not even contain the words ¡®badnaam¡¯ or ¡®jawaani¡¯.

4. 3-Second Idiots: Comedy/drama/social message all packed into one movie? It has to be an Aamir Khan-starrer. The second half, in which each actor bursts into tears in turn every three seconds, thereby making viewers well up in sympathetic de-tear-ation, is something every Bollywood director aspires to. To outdo Rajkumar Hirani, I would ensure that the film revolves around a double-amputee losing both his parents, but still outdoing his ruthless competitors to get the highest-paying job AND sexiest girl in office, to make certain that there are only three seconds of the movie in which the viewers are NOT crying.

5. Emo Rathore: DON¡¯T HAPPY ME! Rowdy Rathore had dialogues that were value for money - three words to portray three hundred emotions. Emo Rathore, as we may call him henceforth, taught scriptwriters a thing or two - short is sweet, and that Sonakshi Sinha is a good giggler (and not much more). My blockbuster would apply a similar theory, and simply be called KTHXBAI (thereby packing in agreement, gratitude and the pain of separation).

Now, I just hope Rajinikanth doesn¡¯t take it into his head to make a 1000-crore grosser.