iPhone 5: Revelations

The Apple iPhone 5 has finally been launched. There have been mixed reactions, but people are still mostly excited about getting one. Of course, the 2 million pre-bookings only prove the fact that people are eager (or sheeplike) and can't wait to test out every new feature. There are a lot of people out there who want to know more about the new iPhone (though it looks an awful lot like the old one).

But, till it's made available, all we can work with is the launch speech and the info on the Apple site. After some pondering, I have managed to come up with my own analysis of the iPhone 5's features. I hope they don't sue me for forbidden knowledge.

1. iZero: The thinnest phone ever. The iPhone 5 is so thin, it puts all the size zero models out there to great shame. You really wouldn't want to leave your iPhone lying next to a bunch of newspapers, else mommy dearest might actually mistake it for one (unless she noticed that the newspapers seemed to be fatter) and give it away as 'raddi'.

2. iSight (the new mood detector in town): The iPhone 5 site tells us that 'The world's most popular camera now captures more of the world'. Most people seem to be puzzled about this; after all, all you can capture is pictures of the same people or things, right?

Wrong! To retain its reputation as the pre-eminent phone camera, the iPhone 5 cam will probably go to the next level, and have indicators of people's emotions. So, if you see a group picture soon where smoke is pouring out of the single guy's head as he is surrounded by his committed friends, don't be alarmed. The picture was taken with an iPhone 5, and it detected jealousy.

3. Advanced Siri: The all-helpful Siri will help you with anything, be it movie timings or weather forecasts. But with a little help from the iSight camera's emotion detecting capabilities, you might soon be asking about your wife as well. When you ask something like ¡°How is my wife going to behave today¡±, you can expect Siri to analyze moods and respond with anything from ¡°the coast is clear¡± to ¡°Red Alert. Is there a nuclear bunker nearby?¡±. Of course, even if Siri gets this answer completely wrong, it's OK - the greatest minds of all time have tried to predict women's moods perfectly, and have always failed.

4. Wireless connections...everywhere: Since the LHC failed in discovering something that moved faster than light (India TV seemed convinced it would), Apple tried to do that with the iPhone 5's LTE feature. This feature promises ultra fast connectivity to data networks within a matter of seconds. The way I see the hype, LTE's so fast, efficient and far-fetched, it could connect straight to heaven. An app based on talking to the dead would be an instant hit, except possibly for murderers. And Steve could come back and make Apple product launches legendary again.

5. Tall, taller, tallest : So the iPhone 5 is taller than any that came before it. By the time there's an iPhone 10, it might just increase a little too much in length for humans to use, unless our pockets extend all the way to our feet. We might even see, a few years down the line, Apple taking over the Galaxy S3's tagline, like so: ' iPhone 10. Designed for dinosaurs.'