The sky¡¯s the limit?

Aakash, the low cost tablet that was set to bring low cost computing to everyone, is something we should all take pride in. The possibilities are endless: from education to awareness, Aakash can transform access to technology in India.

Of course, our politicians had to get involved. It started when Narendra Modi took a jab at the delay in rollout of the tablet, saying that 'the Aakash had not yet come down to Earth'. Now, Kapil Sibal has just joined the measuring contest, saying that he will present the new and improved Aakash v2 to NaMo publicly on September 22.

I am very happy that such a revolutionary device is mired in the murky swamps of politics. Rather than educating millions of rural children, is it not fitting that it becomes a campaign device? I am so happy that I am making a list of other uses for the Aakash tablet, that make just as much sense as the one our politicians have found for it:

1. As a board for people to cut vegetables on: Given the obvious rectangular shape of the Aakash Tablet and its perfect resemblance to a desi vegetable cutter board, I won¡¯t be surprised if it soon starts being used as one. And, when people cut onions on it, their tears will be meaningful; they will symbolically be crying about how far the Aakash tablet has fallen.

2. As a bug squasher: The big problem our politicians have experienced while trying to use the Aakash for votes is the lack of connect with the common man. But that¡¯s only because they don¡¯t think laterally. Think of it - a sturdy piece of plastic and crystal - perfect for killing that pesky mosquito or that persistent grasshopper. And the Aakash won¡¯t even need to be charged for this application.

3. As a mirror: If we use only 5% of our brain power, should our tablets be different? The secondary cam serves as the perfect portable mirror. One big reason for men not shaving every day is that they have to get up from their comfortable bed and go to the bathroom mirror. If they start using AakashCam, we will never see stubble again.

What¡¯s more, guys getting married to girls won¡¯t need to go to the ¡°girl seeing¡± ceremony anymore! Everything¡¯s sorted. The tablet ceremony: Saves on tea, sweets and the embarrassing questions relatives bombard you with, when they see you in person.

4. As a weight loss aid: Like we all know, the #1 problem in our country today is obesity, not poverty, corruption or lack of education. So, we can distribute the Aakash to all the fat, prosperous people in villages, and pre-load Temple Run (Aakash version) on every tablet, so that they can 'run' 500m every day and reduce weight, at least in their mind. This will also have the positive/negative side effect (depending on whether you're a believer) of reinforcing religious beliefs; anything with a Temple in its name has to be holy.

5. As a back scratcher: Never again will people complain about that itch that they can¡¯t scratch, for Aakash will save them. The tablet will play the role of the ¡°scratcher¡±. Definitely going to make the grandpas and grandmas happy. For further use, wrap a cloth around it and use as a soap scrubber. Flawless glowing skin. As clear as the sky its named after.

6. As the ultimate drug: Normal tablets cure you when you¡¯re sick. But we all know that tablets in the modern age work differently; they make you addicted to them. They start off by promising complete mental satisfaction, but then you¡¯re using them 5 hours a day and you can¡¯t stop. With the ¡°bhaang¡± effect exactly replicated, you will get high on Aakash. The sky is the limit for the newest drug in town.