Why Do People Tend To Ignore The Red Flags In Relationships?

The start of a relationship is all too flowery. There are those late-night calls and texting. There are those numerous dates and of course, the undeniable chemistry. There is this dopamine rush that is at its peak and it almost feels like the real deal.

What makes the initial stage of a relationship so appealing?

The initial stage is all about the honeymoon period. This as mentioned is a stage where both partners can not get enough of each other. There is a sense of novelty and positive energy. Both the partners are giving all their efforts in order to know everything about this new person. This can create a sense of adventure and fun.

But here is the thing, both the partners here are also on their best behaviours. They try to put their best foot forward and show their best self to each other because all of it is new.

As per research mentioned in Psychology Today, making the best impression at the beginning is a wise decision because of several different reasons. It is called the 'primary effect' and the person on the receiving end makes a judgement based on that first impression for all future interactions. Once we have made a good first impression then we move to this stage called confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias is basically when we selectively look at all the good things we saw in our first impression and tend to ignore all the negative things about them. Last but not the least, these biases are only made due to what¡¯s called ¡°motivated perception.¡± We tend to make an idealized version of the partner we are dating that is what makes them so desirable. This is when we tend to ignore the red flags.

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What are the red flags?

Red flags are basically all those warning signs or non-negotiables that indicate a potential problem in the relationship. These signs are not written in stone and can depend on different people. While they can be as small as communication problems or issues in speaking up. There can be big issues too that can be anger problems which can lead to abuse and violence.

Some common ones can include:

Lack of respect

A person not respecting your boundaries or what you like or dislike can be a big red flag. This can also mean being disrespectful in a public place, making fun of you in front of others or just not taking in regard your feelings.

Possessiveness and insecurity

While noticing and knowing where the partner means that you care, being highly possessive and insecure can get suffocating. This may mean not letting your partner meet people other than you or checking their phones.

Dishonesty and lying

Everybody wants a partner who is loyal to them. So when a partner is constantly lying about their whereabouts or simple things, it can cause a lot of stress. This may also give rise to distrust in the relationship.

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Why do we tend to ignore red flags in a relationship?

There is a quote from a very popular Netflix show called Bojack Horseman that says "when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags." This basically means that we tend to focus on their positive qualities and minimize or ignore their negative traits. This can lead us to rationalize or justify their behaviour, even if it is harmful or problematic.

As per Anjika Shukla, Counselling Psychologist & Expressive Arts Therapy Practitioner, people may ignore red flags in relationships for a variety of reasons:

Optimism Bias

"People tend to have an optimistic bias, which means they often believe that things will turn out well for them. They may downplay or dismiss warning signs because they want to believe that the relationship will work out in the end and hence tend to endure the red flags they see," says Shukla.

Attachment styles

"People more susceptible to ignoring red flags can have an insecure attachment style. They may fear abandonment and cling to their partner despite clear signs of dysfunction or abuse. That being said, don¡¯t self-diagnose your attachment style always reach out for professional help if that¡¯s something you feel the need to address and work on," adds Shukla.

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Past trauma

A lot of people may have experienced trauma and abuse in their previous relationships or childhood. While working on it and healing is something that takes time, some people tend to not get over it. "People who ignore red flags have normalized dysfunctional behaviour and may not recognize warning signs as a result," says Shukla.

Loneliness

For a lot of people, loneliness is a major fear. Many tend to believe that if they start addressing the red flags and separate then that will just mean that they have to be single again. So to avoid that feeling, people tend to ignore these negative aspects just so that someone stays with them.

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Low self-worth

People with low self-esteem or low self-worth may believe that they don't deserve better. That they are deserving of a person who does not treat them right. There can also be a possibility that they may have been treated horribly in the past and they compare it with the present and feel like this is at least better even though it isn't in the general scenario.

Hopefulness

Just like optimism bias, people tend to think that all the red flags will shift into green flags. Most people tend to believe that they can change all the negative aspects of their partner into positive aspects and they will live happily ever after, But that obviously does not seem to happen no matter how much time goes by.

Lack of awareness

There may be a lot of times when people can ignore red flags only because they are not aware of the good and the bad behaviours. Some people won't know that some things are not to do with a partner and those should be taken seriously.

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Red flags may be subjective but when something seems uncomfortable, it is very necessary to speak about it.