Mayan Apocalypse: 50 Things I Won¡¯t Miss

1. Justin Bieber

I know it's the Mayan Apocalypse and I'm thinking about the 50 things I won't miss. It's called looking at the bright side of 'life.' Every cloud has a silver lining and that's what this is... 50 things I won't miss thanks to the Mayan Apocalypse

Every generation has that ONE ridiculously, painfully annoying crappy singer. Our generation had Boyzone and N'Sync and Backstreet Boys and guess what - Justin Bieber is worse than all of them put together. I say welcome Mayan Apocalypse.

2. Male Chauvinism

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The single reason why it's such a terrible thing to be a male from India is this. This unfounded sense of superiority and self-worthiness needed to be taken down a peg centuries ago. Unfortunately it's been reinforced through the decades by religion, society and their amazing parents. Well after today, no big loss...

3. Pigeons

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I don't even think I need to explain this one. They lay their eggs on cold concrete floors. Exactly how this species made it through so many years without going extinct is positively amazing. But we won't need to worry about that anymore WILL WE!

4. Men Who Scratch their Jewels in Public

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In what part of which upbringing lesson does it instruct parents to tell their kids that when they grow up and stand in public places, they become invisible and therefore nothing they do can be seen by others - including boldly going where no man has gone before... again... and again... and again... and again.

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5. Spitting

The quintessential Indian habit and the reason why the one unifying property in this otherwise culturally diverse country. Good riddance.

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6. Absurd Delivery Schedules

I hate all delivery people. For the simple reason that they seem to work only when you are not at home and almost always on a weekday between 2pm and 5pm. How is it possible that they make all their deliveries across the city in those three hours? They must surely have some deliveries before that. And some after that? But have you ever... EVER had a delivery come in when you were at home early morning or in the evening? Exactly!

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7. Gossipmongers

Because nothing says classy better than a game of Chinese Whispers at any time of the day at the cost of important things in life...

8. Call Centres

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In today's day and age of computers and digital records, it make sense that I have to say "No I don't want your stupid Country Club membership" three times a day, every day for a week before their records get updated. Well let's see what happens when the Earth opens up and their entire office along with their cricket team building games get swallowed up whole...

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9. Online Petitions

Because living in a democracy implies that the laziest, most unaccountable and socially unfeasible wa to drum up public support WILL get the government to listen to you. Becaue, after all, elected representatives have nothing better to do than wait for you to collect 1500 Likes so that they will change the Constitution for you...

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10. Ad Breaks

I don't understand this. I am willing to pay for the channel. I am willing to pay... i.e. I will give my money to you for this content. Where in that concept did it say I want to pay you to play horrible jingles, terrible acting, awful concepts for me every 5 minutes?!

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11. Ill-Behaved Kids

Seriously? You're telling me you enjoy having a hobbit at your elbow when you're trying to enjoy your meal, or sleep on a flight, or watch the movie, or enter the store, or pick something up from the shelf, or order a meal? If you love hobbits so much, do us all a favour and take your friends and leave Gandalf?

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12. Annoying Internet Ads

You mean if I shoot those 3 ducks I will win an iPad? You mean this is the first time I landed on this website but I just happen to be the millionth visitors? You mean I can increase my computer security by simply downloading your free file? I get it, the ads are this stupid because enough stupid people fall for them every day. Let's hope they're the first to get their pea brains melted today...

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13. Processions

Oh I'm sorry - I don't know how this got into the list! Of course I enjoy being stuck behind a gigantic statue, or an idiot on a horse or whatever it is you are carrying to either burn or drown. Please carry on, why would I be interested in getting to work on time... or go home and rest when I can have the evening of a lifetime watching so many sweaty men gyrate to what sounds like a pig having sex with a donkey...

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14. Firecrackers

Living in Bombay is like smoking 100 cigarettes a day. That's all. I'm glad you've come along and are ensuring that the number is double. And you'll blow my ear drums as well for no extra cost? That's a great deal. I'll take it...

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15. Old People in Lift Queues

Why don't you go read the rest and come back. I'll still be trying to get in before the lift doors close and I hit middle age...

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16. Fat "Foodies"

When did "foodie" mean an glutton? When I was growing up, foodie was someone who enjoyed good food and NOT someone who stuffs his face with gobi manchurian. I get that it's too late to take back the word so guess what foodie, you're going to die...

17. Delhi

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Of course this one makes complete sense...

18. Babies in Flights

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Look... don't get me wrong. I understand that those idiots don't understand reason. They don't understand English. They don't understand that you want to help them ease their pain and suffering. In fact, there's pretty much nothing that they understand about anything. So then, for the love of everything holy, tell me where could you POSSIBLY be taking them that is SO monumental that it couldn't wait another 10 year?

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19. Chetan Bhagat

Take his books off the English section. Off the fiction section. In fact, forget literature, stop calling them books.

20. Indian Chinese Food

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I've always believed that the day people stop making "gobi manchurian" is the day the Chinese will give back Kashmir, Sikkim and Arunachal Pradesh. They started the '62 war because you started making "chicken chow chow," you know that right?

21. Vegetarians

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Forget the fact that they have warped ideas about balanced nutrition. Forget the fact that there is very little chance that they're eating clean, the world is doomed because of they believe what they eat is "amazing."

22. "Eastern Medicine"

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Ask Steve Jobs how well that worked out for him.

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23. Numerology

Who needs hard work, education, honesty, perseverance when I can add a vowel to my name and suddenly the world will change and bend to my will. I wonder if the Mayan Apocalypse came about because of a wrongly added vowel somewhere.

24. People Who Chew with their Mouths Open

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If you need me to explain this one, you're one of them...

25. Digital Agency Job Descriptions

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Yes, because knowing how to add a Facebook update is the exact same skill involved in running on water, throwing daggers with deadly accuracy and fighting with two insanely sharp swords. I can totally see that.

26. Another Adam Sandler Movie

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If that's what fear of growing old is about then I'm glad the world's ending...

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27. Indian Animation

Because nothing says creativity and originality better than making the same 6 stories about baby gods and precocious urchins 20 times using technology from the 70s.

28. Sunil Gavaskar

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The guy did not understand one day cricket. Seriously - he did not understand the concept behind limited overs cricket. He made 36 runs in 60 overs... in a World Cup. What kind of world made him an expert?

29. MBAs

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You learned how to run any company in the world in 8 months. Wow! How stupid are the rest of us.

30. Lack of Respect for Personal Space

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I can hear you just fine. I can SEE you just fine. Please take 10 steps back.

31. Fair Usage Policy

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An MBA came up with this concept...

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32. Winophiles

Yes please tell me how I'm supposed to hold the glass. Swirl clockwise you said? Ah yes, the bouquet. Yes, pungent. Very spicy. Acidic? Oh I hope so because I want it to burn when I throw my glass in your face...

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33. Cell Phones Ringing in Movie Theatres

Movie theatre owners, I have three words for you: Cell. Phone. Jammers. Seriously! If you charge Rs 500 a ticket, you can afford to buy one of those damn things.

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34. Teenage Girls Who Loves Vampires

When exactly did vampires become the way they did anyway? What shifted in the balance of the universe that warranted the need to fill that part of contemporary literature that said pre-pubescent girls need to romanced by 5000 year old dead creatures?

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35. Plus-Sized Fashion

You're right! I absolutely cannot see all that lard because of your clothes. Yes, definitely - it totally hides all your layers and all of your 13 chins. It's like magic and so much better than healthy living.

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36. Earth Mothers

You're having a child you say? Oh it's magical is it? Because you can feel life growing inside you. And it's giving purpose and meaning to your existence? As if your entire life was spent in preparation for this one moment where you are the vessel for the most amazing gift of them all... too bad vessel. You're going to die!

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37. Unhealthy Doctors

There's something about the fact that you are wheezing, sweating profusely and I know you can't see your toes let alone touch them that gets me thinking, "Mayyyybe I should get a second opinion."

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38. Bad Gym Music

Because there's nothing more motivational that 250 lbs bro-dudes grooving to Justin Bieber at 140bpm

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39. Overweight Nutritionists

It's a simple concept called "Practice what you preach." No? How about, "Leading by example"? No? How about, "Here's a thought, I don't think YOU know what portion control is so stop waving that bowl around or I'll make you eat the damn thing."

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40. Spoilt Brats in Daddy's Car

Screaming babies become annoying hobbits become these things. The Apocalypse is actually doing nothing but good.

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41. Traffic Jams

It's not the fact that I lose nearly 15 days of my life every year stuck in traffic jams. It's the way that the "240" on the speedometer mocks me that really hurts.

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42. Twitter Outrage

Something that has nothing to do with your or your life offended you so bad that you have to tell 2000 strangers about how your life has been affected thereby making a complete jackass of yourself in public? How awful!

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43. Newborn Baby Pictures on Facebook

I hope Zuck sells ALL those pictures for bucket loads of money. Maybe that'll get them to stop...

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44. SMS Forwards

Knowing that the guy who invented the SMS isn't going to escape the Mayan Apocalypse warms my heart immensely.

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45. Inspirational Quotes on Facebook

Inspirational quotes on Facebook is like that annoying kid who goes on screaming for attention and won't shut up till you look at him and when you give him your attention, you find out that he doesn't actually have anything to say. At which point you don't know whether to claw your own eyes out or just smack him silly. That.

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46. Bollywood

Oh I know I'm talking about an entire industry with thousands of jobs at stake here. So?

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47. Mactards

Yes, because by your using this device and paying thousands of dollars to do it, you're not a dumb consumer, you're being part of a social revolution. Of course, profits has nothing to do with the way the company is run. You're right. Why would ANYONE need to use their phone as a map anyway!

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48. Visas

No more filling forms in triplicate. No more unreasonable photo sizes. No more paying nearly the cost of the air ticket one. Sigh...

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49. Religion

Just think - All that times wasted praying for something better. All that money spent praying for something better. All that effort spent into waiting for something better. How much of a idiot do you feel like right now?

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50. Anonymous Internet Users

Thanks for ruining all the good things that the web has done for the world you cowards...