Humour: Jokes about shopping

Wise Guys

Customer: May I try on that dress in the window, please?

Clerk: No, ma'am. You'll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.

For the Love of Shopping

This woman and her husband came out of the supermarket. She said, 'I'll put the shopping in the car and you get the baby.' The husband said, 'Alright.' And off he went. A few minutes later he was back at the car.

The woman said, 'Hey, that's not our baby.' The man said, 'Shut up, it's a better pram.'

The Butcher¡¯s Baby

It was many years ago on that shocking day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked him what he was going to do about it. Finally, after some thought, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too. Tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home, he told his mother what the butcher had said. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Stutter Shop

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment? Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy gets angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beaten up?!!"

Saw Shopping

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about the various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred trees for you in one day."

So the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two trees, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning tomorrow and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So the next morning, the man gets up at 4 am and cuts and cuts till nightfall, and still only manages to cut twenty trees.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred trees in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day, the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

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