Humour: Jokes about criminals

Homicide Investigation

A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the officer who discovered the body, he learned that the deceased was a young woman.

The victim was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.

The officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.

The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"

Fake Lie Detector

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal bowl on his head and connecting it with string that looked like wire to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed!

Jesus is Watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes", said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus. There he is, right behind you!"

Prison Riot

A warden, addressing the three instigators of a failed prison riot, said,

"I would like to know two things. First: Why did you revolt? Second: How did you get out of your cells?"

One of the three men stepped forward, "Warden, we rebelled because the food is awful."

"I see. And what did you use to break the bars?" the warden asked.

Replied the spokesman, "French Toast from the cafeteria..."

Criminals vs. Lawyers

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions put up a spirited fight and the gang was very happy to escape.

¡°It ain't so bad,¡± one crook noted. ¡°We got $25 between us.¡±

The boss screamed, ¡°I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!¡±

The Tickets

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After two weeks, they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show for which tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line,

"From...guess who?"

The pair had fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre on the night of the show and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper saying "Now you know!"